I had a flashback the other day. I remember my old game plan to get girls at a time in my life where all I wanted to do was get drunk and get laid.
This was the super advanced, mega-pro game plan:
- Pre-drink and get hammered.
- Go to the same club I always did.
- Get even more hammered.
- Drink enough to develop the courage to get Girls.
- Procrastinate and suffer from severe approach anxiety.
- Get more wasted.
- *Blank space*
- Realise it’s almost closing time.
- Try and pick up whoever was left on the dancefloor.
- Wake up with a horrific hangover and someone not-that-great next to me.
And I repeated this for about 18 months.
I had success with it. I got a lot of girls and I had stories to share with all of the married Men at work, who loved my Monday morning story time. Sometimes I felt like I was Tucker Max because the stories were just as out there and hilarious as his were.
But with all of these interesting stories and “fun”, I was nowhere near happy or fulfilled. No matter how “successful” I was at hooking up, it was never enough. I could never seem to scratch that itch.
Some guys would see this and think it was every Man’s wet dream. But let me tell you, it isn’t that great. The girls I hooked up with weren’t a good match for me. It never usually went past the one night stand, unless I happened to see them again whilst wasted at 4am on the dancefloor. It was no wonder I was unfulfilled – I was lacking that true connection with Girls who I truly connected with in normal life, not just a temporary drunken state.
For the ones that did manage to get beyond a few hook-ups and became my girlfriend, it was a fucking train wreck, to say the least. So, overall, I wasn’t a happy camper.
What I would go on to discover later on in life was that my standards of myself and others around me that were the cause of my sub-par results.
Let’s dissect it.
I would get drunk to avoid the slightly uncomfortable short term pain of approaching a Girl.
I was using a drug as a tool to alter my perception of my own reality, to temporarily break through mental barriers such as dealing with rejection. The fear of rejection (which is what makes approaching a Woman so difficult for Guys) cannot be avoided. You simply get better at dealing with it. It’s the same for any negative emotion – the more often you feel it, the better you are at dealing with it.
You cannot avoid the negatives of life. But you can get better at dealing with them.
I would then go out to a club, where the people I “thought” I wanted to hang around with were.
I was looking for a Princess in a cave of trolls. That’s not to say there wasn’t any undercover Princess’ who had escaped the castle and wanted to rough it for the evening with the common folk. I did find several hidden gems, but they were very few and far in between. It’s no wonder I was catching the wrong fish – I was fishing in the wrong pond, with the wrong bait.
Then I wondered why I got that result. What an idiot, right?
HOW CHANGING MY STANDARDS CHANGED MY LIFE.
I made a decision in early 2013 that enough was enough. I realised that I am the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, and I had a look at who those people were. I didn’t want the results that they had, so I decided to take a step back and upgrade my own standards of myself, instead of imposing my new standards on others.
I decided to expect more from myself, and actually become the person that gets the results that I wanted.
I cut out all the booze and got serious about my mental state. I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, and I surrounded myself with people who were on the same mission.
I decided that I would no longer rely on using alcohol to avoid uncomfortable situations in life and that I would confront them head on. Honesty was my new best friend, and even though I never considered myself as being intentionally dishonest, I was such a nice guy that instead of telling people how I really felt about a situation, I would unconsciously say what they wanted to hear. This bred resentment and anger within me, and I would become a passive-aggressive little shit-stain on occasions.
The only way to live life is through brutal honesty.
Honesty is a long-term game. You occasionally feel uncomfortable in the short term, but you are ALWAYS better off in the long term. Having that awkward conversation with a Girlfriend that you aren’t that enthusiastic about, and letting them know that you aren’t happy sucks in the short term. They can get angry, sad and spiteful when reacting to it. But the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term pain. You just need to get through it.
Honesty isn’t just about telling people how you really feel, it’s about telling yourself the truth, too. Telling yourself to stop making excuses and to stop avoiding the things you know you should do. To stop letting yourself get away with behaviours that work against what you are trying to do. To be honest with yourself and call you out on your own bullshit.
When you raise your expectations of yourself and hold yourself to a higher standard, your world around you starts to change for the better.
I upgraded my personal standards and it had a huge impact on my life for the better.
- I pushed away the people who didn’t like me.
- I pushed away Girls and “friends” who no longer served my journey.
- I attracted the right people, developed amazing friendships, and attracted the best Girl in my world.
- I stopped bullshitting myself, and I attacked my life head on by not avoiding the things that made me uncomfortable.
- I did what made ME happy, thus making me a better person to be around.
- I invested a huge amount of money into my own personal development, even though I had no idea where it would come from.
2013 was an extremely transformative year for me, and it changed my life direction for the better. But I don’t wish I had done things differently in the years before. I am in no way saying that I am better than anyone or I regret anything. I am so thankful for every life lesson I have been lucky enough to experience and I am still friends with a lot of the people of this part of my life. No one is better or worse than you, they just want different things – and that is fine.
If you want to increase the standard of your life, with better Women and better life experiences, you simply have to increase your own standards of yourself.
Make a DECISION that you no longer settle for your own bullshit excuses. Stop avoiding the inevitable small pains of life, and play the long game. Stop jumping ship from one short-term pleasure to the next. You won’t get to where you truly want to go.
Demand better of yourself. Go and meet better Women, go and surround yourself with people who are where you want to be, go and make yourself the dumbest person in the room – it is the only way to upgrade yourself.
Increase your goddamn standards of yourself and go and get what you want out of this short existence on this planet. When you expect more, you get more.