There is nothing that repels women more than a needy a guy who is thirsty for the validation of the beautiful lady-flower between her legs. He is like a rabid dog, hungry to feel her body against his.
But it isn’t HER that most guys want – it’s the validation from his peers, that her submitting to his sexual desires, brings him.
The pickup scene is littered with young-minded men who think getting laid is the end result. And I get it, I used to hook up with girls, and the second that I put my dick in, I’d think “tick.” Like I was ticking the box of yet another girl on my belt notch. But what I learned from all those years of chasing tail was how unfulfilling and empty it really is.
Yeah, sure, you’ve got some cool stories to tell, and your mates think you’re a bit of a legend for 34 seconds. But you still don’t feel any different or better – Even more so if you’re a self-proclaimed PUA fuckstick who has to lie his way into a woman’s panties (because his life sucks, he sucks, and he needs to lie about everything).
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should from abstain from sex. You should go out there and get some! And I don’t mean just you men, I mean women too. Women should be able to get as much dick as they want, and they shouldn’t be pressured to choose to feel like a slut because their “friend” Sally is a jealous, insecure fuckhead, who just needs a good hard dicking from a couple of sailors on a boozy Friday night.
Sex is sex. It’s two people practicing what we were put on this planet to do – to reproduce. And obviously, you should do it safely (FYI: Kids are the worst STD’s). So, by all means, go out there and get yourself a healthy serving of Vitamin D and Vitamin V.
But the biggest problem with men that I meet who struggle to meet, date and sleep with an abundance of women is they are so caught up and dependent on getting the outcome of “getting laid”.
Outcome dependency looks like this:
“I just want to get laid, bro.”
“I just want to be in a relationship.”
“I just want to find a wife and settle down.”
“I don’t want to sleep around, I just want to find the ONE.”
Their goal is dependent on a rock-hard outcome of getting something tangible. Such as a pretty girl’s vagina, or two rings on some chick’s finger that he paid for. But the outcome of these goals is wholly dependent on a whole lot of external factors, such as, you know, ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.
On the surface, those men want what they stated. If we were to dig deeper on what these men actually wanted, it would be to feel loved, wanted, valued, validated, secure, certain etc.
It is what those external outcomes will bring them.
But let’s look at two scenarios:
John knocks back a couple of shots before his first approach of the night. He stares at a girl he’s been eyeing off for about an hour now. She’s so beautiful, her tits look so good in her tight dress, and her ass is like a peach that he imagines taking a bite out of. He just didn’t have the guts or the right amount of drunkenness to be able to approach such an attractive, and (in his mind) perfect young lady before knocking back those shots. But now, he’s ready.
Even though he is pretty wasted now, he still feels extremely nervous. As he walks over, with each step, his head is repeating:
“I hope she likes me”
“I hope she likes me”
“I hope she likes me”
“I hope she likes me”
“I HOPE SHE LIKES ME!”
He nervously extends his hand and begrudgingly touches her on the shoulder…
This is the moment he’s been waiting over an hour for.
Like a slow-motion movie, she slowly turns around… Her body looks so good from close range. She slowly turns around and he can see her cleavage now. It looks magical – just like in the pornos he watches most days…
She’s facing him now, and with a weirded out look on her face, she says “What? What do you want?”
His opener, that was well-rehearsed in his bathroom mirror, is frozen in his throat. He can’t even get a word out.
He mumbles something, but in the loud environment of the bar, she can’t hear a word he says. He is visibly nervous and completely stifled – stuck in his own head.
Annoyed at yet another drunk idiot (in her eyes) interrupting her night, she rolls her eyes, turns around and ignores him.
Defeated, and obviously hurt from the rejection, John goes back to the bar and has another few drinks before going home, alone.
So what happened here?
Well, our main man John was so dependent on the outcome of being liked by some random attractive female. He was seeking and hoping that she would knight him with her validation, and allow him to eventually take her home and have his way with her. Unconsciously, he had put her up on a pedestal, and thought he needed to act or perform in a certain way to “attract” her.
The end result: John goes home with his dick in his hand and the sinking feeling that he is not enough.
Let’s look at the same night, with a different gentleman: Marty.
Marty starts his evening off by asking a girl at the bus stop what time the next bus comes. She answers, and he says thanks.
He then gets on the bus and has a quick chat on the phone with his brother.
He then gets to the club and asks the bouncer if he’s having a good night tonight.
He heads to the bar and asks the bartender what time it gets busy. She answers, and he grabs a drink while he is there.
He sees some guy next to him with some really cool shoes on. He says “awesome shoes, bro. Where did you find those?” They talk for a few minutes and he heads off to the smoking area.
He pulls out a smoke and asks the group of girls if he can bum a light. They light his cigarette for him, and he asks them how crazy they’re going to get tonight. They’re all very attractive, but he just has a laugh and a bit of fun banter with them. They talk about random stuff while they finish their cigarettes and he says have a good night.
Marty is in a social state. He is just chatting to anyone. He isn’t trying to win anyone’s attention, he is just having a chat and having a laugh. Sure, there are girls he wants to sleep with, but right now, he just wants to have a fun time chatting to people and getting comfortable with the surroundings.
30 minutes later, he is chatting to two beautiful girls. He doesn’t even remember what he said as an opener, he is just present in the moment and chatting to two girls about how they got to know each other. They’re doing most of the talking, and he notices that he keeps getting some IOI’s (Indicators of interest in PUA speak) from the blonde closest to him. She keeps laughing at his shitty jokes, touching him on his arm and saying, “OMG you’re crazy!”
They are all just laughing and having a good time. He isn’t TRYING to make them laugh or like him, he is just being the person he is around his closest mates.
Long story short, the girl keeps showing more interest, and while her friend goes to the bathroom he kisses her. It didn’t feel forced, it just felt like the right thing to do. Soon after that, they go home and have a good night in his bedroom.
Do you see the difference between John and Marty?
Marty was committed to the PROCESS, not the result. He knew that he needed to get into a social state and have FUN. He knows that once he is in a fun, social state, that the RESULT (that John was so desperate for) usually just happens as a side effect. And even if it doesn’t, he still is having a great time chatting with random people and having a laugh.
So, I hope you understand now, that being so committed to the OUTCOME is a sure-fire way of ensuring that you don’t get it. Generally speaking, when you don’t need something it usually comes to you. But when you desperately want something external we tend to push it away with our desperation and neediness.
This is why Marty kills it most nights he goes out.
He is committed to the PROCESS, not the result.
But he knows that he will get the result if he just commits to the process.
It’s the same thing for the guy that desperately wants a wife. The pressure that he puts on himself to go out and find a suitable female will inevitably push them away from him. They can smell desperation and neediness a mile away. But if he understood that he needs to commit to the process of BECOMING a man of value, who is social, fun, has his life in order and is ENJOYING it, he will undoubtedly come across someone that will end up being his wife. But on the journey there, he will have a hell of a good time.
It’s the same with BUSINESS.
It’s the same with FITNESS.
It’s the same with your CAREER.
It’s the same with your FINANCES.
And it sure-as-shit is the same with DATING.
When you focus on committing to the correct PROCESS, the results are inevitable.
But most coaches won’t tell you that. They’ll promise you some bullshit results such as “Have a stream of hot women pouring into your bedroom in only 8 weeks” or some variation of the result and timeframe. It’s just fucking toxic, and from a business perspective, it just makes smart men hate you and the dumb men dumber. Either way, both men will dislike you in the end – because you’re putting unnecessary stress on people to “perform” to get a result they probably don’t deserve just yet (which is why manipulation is so rampant in most dating coaches advice).
WHAT YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON:
I think it is obvious now that what you should be focusing on is the process you are taking, not necessarily the result or outcome. But how does one do that when you probably don’t know the entire process?
By focusing and rewarding yourself on the effort that you undertake.
Are you completely socially anxious, but today you looked 5 people in the eye and said “hey”?
Awesome, you just took a huge step forward. Tomorrow, aim to improve that number.
Do you struggle to approach women during the day, but today you committed to ONE semi-uncomfortable approach – and you did it?
Awesome. Give yourself a pat on the back. Then go out there and beat it next time.
What you will find is, eventually, when you commit to the process and focus on improving yourself one step at a time, that the good results will come. And they come a lot sooner than you think, especially if you are persistent and objectively assess what you did right and what you need to improve on.
Is that sexy?
No. It sounds kind of lame and boring, to be honest.
“Slow improvement? WTF Brett!?! I want to get laid NOW!”
Well while you’re out trying to get laid to iron out your shortcomings as a man (JOHN), Marty and the rest of the crew are out there, committing to the process of growth. And while you’re out there fucking around, wasting your time, chasing your tail, and trying to take shortcuts (that don’t exist), then maybe one day you will be able to catch up to us.
To be honest, you don’t have a choice. It’s either commit to the process or keep on jerking yourself off (both physically and mentally).
Commit to, and reward yourself for, the ACTIONS TAKEN not the results achieved. It’s much healthier, far more rewarding, and you’ll be able to use the skills you learn in all areas of life.
The side effect is, of course, success.