Heartbreak eats dick. Getting over your ex is never easy, but it is extremely important to understand how to get over your ex. What is also important to understand, is that even if it was you who initiated the breakup, there is almost always that feeling of loss regardless of how it played out. Feeling a sense of loss isn’t a bad thing. It’s because you (hopefully) had something awesome in the first place. If she broke up with you, it’s natural to feel like you’ve done something wrong, and maybe you have. Nonetheless, missing her is pretty normal.

How we deal with the emotions we go through following a breakup will be the difference between getting over it easily, or spending months feeling miserable. So here are the best ways to get over your ex-girlfriend.

Stay out of her life

We’ve all done that drunken phone call or text message to our ex at 2 am in the morning after going out to a bar with friends and going home alone. Happens to the best of us. This is normally when you’re feeling lonely and you want a Band-Aid fix or quick hit of validation to get you through the night. Usually, it results in drunk text regret and makes you feel even worse. So if you really don’t have the self-control to refrain from this extremely counterproductive task, leave your phone at home or give it to a friend.

You really need a chance to move on from your ex and staying in touch with her is not going to help. One of the reasons, or more realistically “justifications” people have is that they’re looking for closure. Closure is an interesting concept because, despite popular opinion, closure comes from within. There is nothing that she can say or do that is going to make you feel better in the long term. She might say something that will help you get through a day or two, but realistically it won’t cure the pain.

Don’t sleep with her, don’t call her, don’t text her. If she messages you first, just send a polite message saying you want some space and leave it at that. It may suck, but it IS for the best.

Only when you are 100% over her, should you consider getting back in touch with her again. This is going to take a lot of self-honesty. Once you’re in a positive place, feel free to get back in touch with her and see how she’s doing.

Make a list of negative traits

It’s obvious you miss her; otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this article. However; she wasn’t perfect. No one is. She clearly had things that frustrated you or just damn right pissed you off. If you can’t think of any of those traits, then the importance of this exercise is massive.

So make a list of traits that really got to you. Make them personality traits rather than minor annoyances like her leaving bobby pins in every square inch of your apartment. The reason you broke up was most likely a lack of compatibility so it’s important to be aware of what those compatibility issues are. Maybe she struggled to communicate her emotions to you when she was angry and just blew up once she became too stressed. Or she tried to keep texting you when you were out on a boys only night. Perhaps she wanted to spend every single night at your house when you needed some time to be alone and do your own thing. Possibly she ate all of the Nutella before you got a chance to have any, as we all know; that’s a cardinal sin.

This will help bring her down to earth because when we miss someone we tend to remember all of the positives but none of the negatives. This isn’t to take away from what the two of you had or even to end up hating her but to put things into perspective and give you some insight into what the lack of compatibility was. The more you understand about where things have gone wrong, the more you can work on improving them in the future.

Doing something with your life

What is your purpose? What gets you out of bed in the morning? What do you want to be remembered for?

These questions can guide you to the path you should be pursuing. Living for the sake of an income is not a rewarding lifestyle. If anything, it’s detrimental to your psychology. Living week to week or even just being in a job for the sake of paying the bills is not going to drive you to achieve anything, nor is it going to be a rewarding experience. You don’t want to get to retirement and have just spent your life in a job.

Living to make a difference in the world or pursuing something you are truly passionate about is going to be what gets you out of bed in the morning and will drive you to achieve greatness. It may be a career or even a project on the side that you’re passionate about. Whatever it is, find it, focus on it, and build something great with it.

Doing this isn’t about just ignoring the emotions you’re going through. That’s counterproductive and will only make it worse. What it is doing is channelling that energy into something that is not only positive for you but positive for those your passion has a positive effect on. It may seem like a distraction at first but as you build momentum, you’ll find you have more and more energy to direct into whatever it may be.

Get back on the horse

Start dating again, but not immediately. Unless your relationship had basically been ended without the formal discussion, it’s healthy to give yourself some time before you start dating again. Give yourself a reasonable chance to grieve. Depending on how long you were in a relationship or how messy it was will depend on how much time you should take before you start dating again.

What’s critical is that you don’t start dating for the wrong reasons. This is a trap that people fall into every single day. I have seen this happen more than just about anything in my entire career of date coaching.

People breakup, people feel shitty, people find someone that makes them feel happy, people rush into a relationship, people have unhealthy relationships, people break up – rinse and repeat. This really just comes down to people looking to seek happiness in someone else rather than themselves. Not a good place to be!

As Mark Manson always says:

“If in doubt, check your intentions.”

If you feel it’s too early to start dating, then make sure you head out with the guys and interact with women. You don’t have to take them home or even get their phone number but making sure that you’re interacting with women regularly is an important step to get your head back in the game. If you’ve got good friends, they’ll be super supportive of this.

Once you’re ready to start dating, don’t make this mistake of exclusively dating the first person you hook up with. Keep your mind open and date multiple people to make sure you’re making the right choice if you do end up in a relationship with one of them. There’s a lot of biochemistry going on in early dating and by seeing multiple women you’re reducing the chance of seeing one person through rose coloured glasses. If you’re not comfortable sleeping with multiple girls, that’s fine, but you should still be dating at least a few.

Getting over your ex effectively comes down to a combination of putting a positive focus back on your life to ensure you’re taking actions that will move you forward and to give yourself time to heal from whatever damage has occurred. Once you’re ready, get back into dating and have fun with it. There’s no need to rush anything or put any pressure on yourself. Just enjoy the process of flirting and meeting women, let it see where it takes you. Once you’re finally over her, you can always touch base and see how she’s doing. From here, it’s about keeping the positive momentum and just continue to smash it at life!

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