The Girlfriend Paradox – Why Being In a Relationship Makes You More Attractive

It’s one of men’s most common ironies. Whilst we’re super happy being in a relationship, it’s also incredibly frustrating knowing that women are significantly more attracted to us when we’re in one. Don’t stress girls, it’s not because we want to leave you for new opportunities, we just wish it all fell in to place earlier and it wasn’t such a struggle for us when we weren’t in a relationship.

Why does this happen though? What is it about being in a relationship that seems to draw women to us like fat kids to McDonald’s?

It’s not just one thing on its own that causes it. It’s a few things that stack up to build attraction without us even being the slightest bit aware of what’s going on.

I’ll start with what those reasons are, since it’s critical you understand what’s going on. Then I’ll show you how to use this knowledge to your advantage when single. So here they are.



When you’re in a relationship, unless you have some serious security issues and are always cheating on people, you won’t feel the need to chase, impress, or do anything outside of your normal behaviour when chatting to women. You’re no longer looking for signs she’s interested in you and you’re not focused on what the outcome is. As a result of these behaviours, you won’t be talking about yourself anywhere near as much and you’ll be paying more attention to enjoying the conversation.

The absence of neediness and needy behaviour is the biggest sub communicator of confidence, and as we all know… Confidence is the most attractive quality to women.

When we’re feeling confident, we don’t worry about throwing around some banter and whether she’ll take it the wrong way. We can walk away from her not even thinking about if she’ll follow us or not. You’re out to have fun and not worry about the world.

This behaviour is absolutely magnetic.


When you’re in a relationship, a girl isn’t going to win you over just by being attractive or having a fun personality. For most of us, they won’t win you over at all. This creates an interesting response in the girl you’re talking to.

Naturally, we see things that are more challenging as worth having. A $10,000 Hyundai is much easier to achieve than a Ferrari. A Rolex is more desirable than a Seiko. We want things that we have to work for.

Whilst talking to women when in a relationship, your entire energy is going to be different compared to when you’re single. Most single guys will be won over by a girl if she’s showing any interest at all. When you’re in a relationship, your reactions to her behaviour are going to be stable and unaffected.

This shows that you’re a challenge and not won over as easily as other guys. The guy that she has to chase is far more attractive to her than the guy that is chasing.


Social proof is a term psychologists have been throwing around since nearly the birth of psychology itself. Whilst it is a fairly complex topic, in dating at least, for simplicity sake, it can be seen as “you are more likely to be seen as attractive if a lot of other people see you as attractive”. Whilst no one would admit to seeing someone as attractive based on conformity alone, it certainly does have its merits.

Men in the PUA and dating industry have been using this to their advantage (or at least trying to), by being seen with a lot of hot women. The irony of this is when you’re doing it on purpose, you’re also sub-communicating neediness. A girl knowing you have a girlfriend shows that you are attractive enough for other women to want you and will naturally trigger a competitive response in her. This won’t be conscious nor will it mean she’ll try to win you over, but in very subtle ways, she will be more attracted to you.


People are naturally highly attuned to reading body language. The biggest difference between body language experts and everyone else is that body language experts are trained to read tiny details consciously. We all pick up on tiny things, we just don’t think about it.

If you’ve ever had a night out where everyone seems to love you, or a night where no one wants anything to do with you, it’s often a result of body language – and your body language is a result of how you’re feeling internally.

Having a girlfriend can be quite a validating feeling. Obviously high self-esteem is a far more valuable and healthy form of validation, but nonetheless, we do feel more confident with a girlfriend and this is shown through your body language.


If anything is going to ruin your ability to allow a conversation to flow and be spontaneous, it’s overthinking things. Does she like me? What should I say next? How can I take this to the next level? All of these types of thoughts are taking up your cognitive ability and reducing your capacity to enjoy interacting with people.

Being “inside your head” for lack of a better term is something heaps of guys struggle with. Instead of really listening to what she’s saying and observing her body language, you’re spending most of your time thinking about what you’ll say or do next.

That ability to pay better attention to how she’s behaving and what she’s saying is going to make you stand out. She’ll feel like she’s being listened to and treated as an individual, not just someone you’re trying to pick up.


The chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re single. I’m not going to recommend you get a girlfriend and head out to get phone numbers, but you can use the girlfriend mindset to take your dating to a whole new level. Let’s break it down into specific mentalities.


Don’t try to win her over, impress her or worry about how she’s going to react. Be your own best friend, have fun in everything you’re doing and never focus on the outcome.
Life is too short to not be spending it having fun and loving every second of it.


Just because she’s hot doesn’t mean she’s worthy of your attention or energy. Find out what type of person she is, what makes her tick and for the love of god please save your self a mountain of pain and make sure she has a sense of humour.

Your attention is valuable. If you don’t value you it, no one else will. So make sure you focus it wisely.


If you’re doing this for the sole purpose of impressing girls, then re-read this article. Seriously, make friends with everyone! Guys, girls, your local barista, that old lady that’s only at a club because she was dragged along on her nieces’ hens night. Your night will be significantly more fun for it.

Everyone wants to be apart of a good time, so be the one that’s having the best time.


Instead of focusing on how you feel or what your body language looks like, focus on doing things that will help you relax. Dance, listen to music, chat to a random dude and make a new best friend.

If you’re enjoying yourself, it’s virtually impossible to be tense and have shitty body language.


Ignore what your head is saying, and focus on what she is saying. The more focus you put on listening, the less cognitive capacity you have to think about the random shit that flies through your head.

Being in the moment is going to allow you to truly enjoy that moment, and as a result, she will too.

It may take some time to really get this tips into habits. Until they’re habits, you will have to make a conscious effort to get into this headspace but in the long run, it is 100% worth it. You will be having more fun all of the time and you will be the man that women are drawn to… Even without a girlfriend.

  • September 27, 2017