In the majority of my 20’s I slept with A LOT of women. I barely remember what half of them even look like, never mind their names. I have introduced myself to certain women, to only have them look at me in disgust, as I had already met, hooked up with, and slept with them.
In my defence, though, most of the time I was heavily intoxicated.
Once, I walked into the nightclub that I frequented, looked at the podium in the middle of the dance floor, and realised that I had slept with every girl that was dancing on it (there were about 8-10 girls on there from memory). I told my mate, he high-fived me, then we went and had shots to remove the social anxiety that was always present in the sober me.
I never felt like I was enough. No matter how many “ladies I laid down by the fire” it never felt enough. Even though I had my numbers up higher than most guys I knew, I still didn’t feel like I was enough as a man.
Usually, I’d go out every Friday and Saturday night, get drunk, and build up the courage to approach a new lady to take home and bed. This was my escape from my life that I didn’t really enjoy.
I really didn’t enjoy my job at the time. I was in the Australian Navy, and although my current role was an absolute bludge (was a nice change from being at sea and working non-stop), I wasn’t happy. I had bigger ambitions and ideas as to how I wanted to live my life, and the wankery of the Australian Navy felt like I was handcuffed to a desk of never-ending bullshit and ego of “superiorly” ranked fucktards who preferred to do things the way they’ve always been done, rather than do things more effectively. That’s not to say that the Navy is bad, I was just at a point where I had outgrown it.
So to escape my 9-5 (was more like an 8-1PM – let’s be honest here), I would go out and get absolutely obliterated all weekend, and find me some ladies.
PLEASURE V HAPPINESS: A COMMON MISUNDERSTANDING
We have been conditioned by society to think that pleasure will make us happy. But if you look at the science behind it, you’ll know that this is not possible.
What we associate to pleasure is actually a rush of the neurochemical DOPAMINE. We get a hit of dopamine from alcohol, cocaine, heroin, meth, sex, caffeine, porn, fast food, Facebook and Instagram likes, and buying new shit. Basically, everything that gives us a quick rush.
These EXTERNAL influences create a temporary feeling of euphoria that manipulates our bodies to feel pleasure.
But it is fleeting, it doesn’t last very long, and it won’t make you happy.
Have you ever seen an alcoholic? Do you think they’re happy?
What about a meth head or a heroin junkie? Do you think they’re fulfilled? Do you think they’re feeling happy about breaking into someone’s house and stealing their jewellery? Or stealing money from their parents?
The answer is a monstrous no.
Sure, when they’re under-the-influence they look happy. But they aren’t, they’re just feeling the pleasures of the short-lived hit of dopamine, thanks to the external substance ingested. It is also something that is felt alone, it’s not shared through others (explains why alcoholics tend to drink alone).
Dopamine tells the body “Hey, this feels AMAZING. Let’s get some more!”
(Hence why people get addicted to those things).
The feeling of happiness comes from a completely different chemical called SEROTONIN.
It is this overarching feeling and general contentment with life. It looks like humble confidence, it puts a spring in your step, a relaxed smile on your face and an overall feeling of FULFILLMENT. It’s the feeling that you are enough and life is good.
But HAPPINESS (Serotonin) comes from the sacrifice of PLEASURE (Dopamine). Which is why so many of us struggle to attain happiness, and it probably explains why so many of us feel depressed.
Dopamine (pleasure) down-regulates Serotonin (happiness).
So the never-ending chase of pleasure, through our misguided attempt to get happiness from it, makes us more depressed, addicted and therefore unhappy.
Serotonin tells the body “Hey, this feels AMAZING. I’m very satisfied!”
HOW TO ATTAIN HAPPINESS (AND ALSO GET LAID).
On a blog dedicated to helping men in their dating lives, it would be foolish to say to a bunch of dudes who are hungry to get laid, and struggle to get laid, that they shouldn’t want to get laid. It is, after all, a natural human need and is the reason why you and I are here.
But they should be seeking to get laid for the right reasons, not just for pleasure, but for something deeper – Happiness. Sex is a pleasurable experience, but the journey a man takes in order to attain the skills to be able to get it will bring him happiness.
Sex is a pleasurable experience, but the journey a man takes in order to attain the skills to be able to get it, will bring him happiness.
There are 3 elements that contribute to happiness:
Connection is defined as the interpersonal connection with our fellow humans. It is being present with someone and enjoying their company. Do you know why religions exist? It’s not because there is a magical man in the sky (there isn’t), it is the connection between those people that believe that there is a man in the sky (or whatever illogical bullshit the other religions believe). When we share beliefs with other people, we feel connected and validated. This gives us happiness.
The connection doesn’t have to be defined as religious (religion is basically a set of beliefs with a brand name and a large following). You have the same connection with your friends. You also have that connection with women (which usually includes a shared sexual connection as a side effect).
Contribution is giving to other people without expectation of reward. This is a level 3 relationship. This is why so many wealthy people are philanthropists – They feel happy from being able to GIVE and contribute large sums of resources to the world for good causes.
What is interesting about contribution is you are actually rewarded, through happiness and oftentimes financially as well.
Coping is about your aptitude to cope with life on planet earth. This means your own personal growth from overcoming problems, which is done more effectively with fuelling your body by eating the right foods and upgrading your body through exercise, adequate sleep and mindfulness.
But you can’t get those things without sacrificing short-term pleasure, being persistent, accepting and learning from failure, and accepting the inevitability of delayed gratification.
Why do you think we are called Honest Casanova? It’s not because it feels good and I want everyone to get along and sing some shitty song around a fire. It’s because it is the first step toward happiness. You can’t attain happiness without accepting the way the world is, confronting the short-term discomfort that it brings but then being rewarded with the overwhelming happiness from growing yourself.
HOW THE 3 ELEMENTS WILL GET YOU LAID:
I touched on this briefly before, but I figured I’d put what I wrote in the context of dating to make things easier for you to understand.
CONNECTION THROUGH CONTRIBUTION
When you go out (that means actually go out – online doesn’t count), focus on being social and having fun. This isn’t done through smashing 13 shots of Tequila, this is about being interested in other people and developing greater social intelligence. It’s also about finding women (and men) who have similar interests as you, and connecting with them in a way that adds to their lives, whilst also growing yours.
This is where the work comes. This is looking after your body through what I outlined earlier (exercise, food, sleep, meditation etc.), but also solving problems. You’re reading this because you probably have issues with relationships with women in your life, which means that you need to work on that skillset.
This is usually referred to as “game”.
This is why we do boot-camps and provide specific dating advice around this necessary skillset. There is an emotional journey you must lead a female through, in order for her to want to have sex with you. But you can’t do it without having the technical knowledge and the skill set demonstrated through repeat exposure (AKA: Going out and getting in-field reference experiences).
But, once again, you can’t get those things without sacrificing short-term pleasure, being persistent, accepting and learning from failure, and accepting the inevitability of delayed gratification.
There aren’t any single lines or shortcuts to attaining that particular skill (or any skill, actually).
It comes down to focusing on the process, committing to working on yourself, being disciplined and as a side effect you’ll get everything you want – Including happiness.
Look, I’m not here to say stop drinking booze, buying unnecessary shit, doing coke off a hookers tits, funnelling caffeine into your face and letting loose every now and then. I also enjoy all of those things. But you need to understand that all of that shit will NOT lead to happiness. In fact, it will lead you the opposite way. But the JOURNEY you take as a man to be able to EARN those things, through growth and merit, will help you to become extremely happy and satisfied.
So, as always, focus on the process and you will be rewarded with the fruits of your labour as a side effect.