I was chatting to a mechanic recently, as I was getting my car a once over, and we got onto the topic of my career as a dating coach. As usual, his ears perked up, and he started asking questions.
I asked him how his dating life was, and he immediately got on the back foot and said he doesn’t have a problem getting girls. I laughed (as that’s what most guys say), but then he went into telling me about how on the weekend he banged a stripper. Very nice, I said.
But then as we went deeper into his past relationships, I could see that he had a pattern of getting the wrong girls. He talked about how his ex was also a stripper, and she made it really difficult for him to see his son. He talked about the one time he was dating a girl who ended up being a prostitute. Basically, his dating history was a series of one train wreck after another.
When it comes to men who seek dating advice, they can usually be broken down into two distinct categories.
The first category is the guy who simply cannot get laid and just wants to get that little bit of beef between his legs in-between a woman’s burger buns. He doesn’t care so much about her personal qualities as much as he just wants to get laid. For more than a few reasons, he just struggles to get women into bed with him, so that is the end goal.
The second category is the guy who has a history of attracting the wrong women into his life. It’s like he is somewhat of a shit magnet, and he just lets these turds set up shop in his life and fuck it up. These guys have a quality problem. They usually are socially adept enough to get a girl to sleep with him, but the physical and personal qualities of the women usually aren’t up to the standard he really wants.
When this problem is left to fester, these guys become bitter, angry, women haters who complain about how bad women are. They usually congregate in some toxic arm of a red pill forum where they tarnish every woman with the same brush, and bitch, moan and complain about women in an echo chamber of other butthurt men.
But here is the kicker: If you have a history of attracting sub-standard women into your life, YOU’RE THE PROBLEM, not them.
We are all responsible for the people we allow into our lives. And if we aren’t happy with that quality, you don’t get to be a little bitch and blame the rest of the world for it, you need to solve that problem like a goddamn man.
So, this article is all about how you can upgrade the quality of women you date.
First things first, I don’t write this article as an individual who has never experienced these problems, seated on an ivory tower, and casting his judgment on the peasants below. The reason I am a dating coach is because I used to attract psychos.
“Brett, why don’t you just date someone normal?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
My friend Stolly continued, “seriously, why don’t you just date normal girls?”
“One girl you dated faked having cancer. Another faked a pregnancy. You had one ex try and drive her car through your house. And another ex broke into your house to sleep, you got the police to remove her, and she came back 10 minutes later. You’re an awesome dude, but you just attract shit women!”
He was 100% right. I had attracted those types of women.
But that was my normal. I thought all women were like that. I was wrong.
This conversation was a catalyst that made me end up working on myself for quite some time. I went from attracting the wrong types of women to attracting women who were infinitely better humans, with fewer insecurities, drama, and had way more drive to live a good life.
But there are two facts that you need to understand:
YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PEOPLE YOU ALLOW INTO YOUR LIFE.
This point is so important I had to mention it twice. When we accept responsibility for something, we can either change it or accept the reason why things never changed (AKA: you didn’t do shit about it). It’s the law of attraction – you get what you deserve. Taking responsibility is about taking control of everything, not being a little fucking victim, and consciously steering your life in the direction you want it to go instead of just leaving it to luck and up to “the universe” (FYI: The universe doesn’t care about what you want, it cares about what it wants).
THERE IS A MASSIVE ABUNDANCE OF AMAZING WOMEN OUT THERE.
Yes, there are plenty of good eggs out there. In fact, there are tonnes of them. Just because your limited experience is telling you that that is the truth, it doesn’t mean it to be completely true when you take into account the rest of the world. Having a negative perception of women becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: Expect shit, you’ll get shit. Expect brilliance, you’ll get brilliance.
Yes, you’ve been burned before. I get it. Everyone has. Yes, I know your ego hurts. Suck it up and stop complaining.
Don’t get bitter, get better.
FOUR REASONS WHY YOU ATTRACT THE WRONG WOMEN
1 – YOUR STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES ARE ABOUT AS FIRM AS HUGH HEFNER’S DICK WITHOUT VIAGRA (AND A PULSE).
The mechanic I talked to did pretty well when it came to hooking up with strippers. There is nothing wrong with banging strippers, I have on several occasions. Even getting into a relationship with one is fine – If you’re compatible.
What isn’t okay, is you keep banging them and get yourself into a relationship with them when you know you’re about as compatible as your small toe and a coffee table. You’re just in for a painful time with heaps of yelling, swearing, jumping around, and smashed furniture.
This is where understanding what type of woman you want to date comes in. But it’s not just having a Wishlist of good traits, you need to understand what you also don’t want in a woman. I go into this on the 7 Day Dating Challenge. Check it out.
What can also be hard, is when you’re banging someone regularly, you get a big dosage of oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone that emotionally binds humans and gives us the feeling of love. When you share orgasms and have the odd cuddle, your body will release oxytocin. And from there, you’re basically under a spell and are compelled to keep hooking up, and get together in a romantic relationship.
Which is fine, but if you’re about as compatible as a baby and a blender, you need to act despite what your feelings are compelling you to do, or face the consequences of being in a terrible relationship. I will usually only bang someone that I am incompatible with a maximum of 3 times, due to not wanting to get too emotionally involved, thanks to that little fucko named oxytocin.
You must have a deep understanding of your standards, and be relentless and aggressive about maintaining them. Remember, if you don’t stand for something, you’ll stand for anything. You might as well take an un-lubed rubber fist in your asshole.
I used to put up with extremely toxic and manipulative behaviour from the girls I used to date. I’d just let them do what they pleased, and most times it was because I was too afraid of losing the few good things that I shared with them, or because I wasn’t comfortable with confrontation.
2 – YOU’RE SEARCHING FOR PREMIUM GOODS IN A $2 BARGAIN BIN.
If you’re a hipster who likes yoga, meditation, talking about beards, bitching about large corporations, complaining about coffee and comparing craft beers, then it doesn’t make much sense to go to a nightclub to pick up women does it?
Your run-of-the-mill pub slut isn’t going to give two shits about how the selection of beers in the nightclub is just not okay, and how everyone is a corporate slave and whatever else you fucking hipsters complain about.
The hipster is going to meet a wide array of incompatible women in that environment. But so many men still go to places they hate, thinking that they need to go there to get women. Sure, women go to those places, but the chances of you meeting someone you’re compatible with is quite slim.
The hipster needs to keep going to yoga, and go and approach the girl with the relentless underarm hair. He needs to hang out at craft beer places and breweries. He needs to go to snobby coffee places where other hipsters congregate and bitch about the coffee there.
The same goes for you.
Just because nightclubs are full of sexy women, doesn’t mean that it is the place to go. Sure, you’ll meet a lot of them, and it gives you an opportunity to work on your game skills, but you’re better off doing your hobbies in group activities and being social, friendly and flirty with the women there.
If you’re searching for your version of a high-quality woman in an environment that you hate, your lack of interest in the environment will shine outwards from you and you’ll end up repelling women, just like the hipster’s judgemental eyes repels anyone who just wants to enjoy a simple, easy-to-drink beer.
3 – YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE ABOUT AS GOOD AS ANYONE WHO WORKS AT TELSTRA.
Effective communication can be broken down into two parts. These are self-awareness and communicating the problem in a decent way.
If you don’t know what the problem is, you sure as shit can’t communicate it to someone else. They might be able to pick up on your actions, but they might also infer something else. I’m pretty good at reading people, but it is something I have learned over the years, and most people suck at it.
Years ago, during my years as a shit-magnet, I didn’t realise until well afterwards that I was incredibly unhappy. Everyone else could apparently see it, but I had no idea.
Self-awareness is something that is learned over time, but if you’ve read this article you’ll be able to develop it sooner.
Self-Awareness comes from examining the thoughts between the thoughts. It comes down to auditing your life regularly and finding out why you are where you are.
How am I feeling right now?
Why do I feel this way?
What don’t I like about this?
How did I end up here?
What am I trying to say here?
What am I trying to do here?
What am I good at?
What do I suck at?
Taking time to ask yourself certain questions to find out what you’re feeling and why is super important. The reason I love writing so much is that it allows me to get my thoughts and feelings on paper, then I can organise and examine them. Creating a daily habit of meditation and journaling will help you out immensely in this area of life. Check out this daily routine.
Once you know what it is you need to communicate…well…you need to say it.
But most guys will let their thoughts fester (because they don’t have any self-awareness) and then they’ll blow up over something stupid. In a bad relationship, an emotional torrent of shit will pour out and it just causes more fights than necessary.
As a man, it’s important to be able to say no. It’s important to be able to honestly communicate your intentions when you walk up to a girl (because she’s cute), instead of being the creeper who gets drunk and suppresses himself then lurks around her waiting for his stifled brain to say something that he thinks will impress her.
Communication is something that is such a big topic that I’m not going to go into it here. If you’re into it (and learning everything else around dating, seduction, and being the most confident version of you – then check out the entire online course).
Communication is not about what you say, it’s about the response it elicits.
So, if people’s eyes gloss over when you’re talking, or if they have to lean in, if they start looking at the tv behind you, if women can’t “pick up what you’re putting down” in one way shape or another you have a communication problem.
Without self-awareness and effective communication, you’re going to struggle to push away the wrong types of women and pull the right types of women. Once again, it’s on you to get this sorted.
4 – YOU AREN’T YOUR #1 FAN.
If you’re doing all the above, and are still not getting what you want, it most likely comes down to a lack of self-love. I’m not talking about you jerkin-the-gherkin (let’s be honest here, there ain’t no lack of that), I am talking about you simply not thinking that you are enough as a person.
I’m not talking about you jerkin-the-gherkin (let’s be honest here, there ain’t no lack of that), I am talking about you simply not thinking that you are enough as a person.
And, you’re probably right.
But if you thought the opposite of this, you’d probably be right, too.
It took a perfume bottle being smashed over my head one quiet evening to knock some sense into me. I never thought that I could do better, and I didn’t realise that deep down I thought that I didn’t deserve better. It was only afterwards that I decided I was done with allowing this toxic behaviour in my life, and that I need to do better if I wished to live a happy life.
Anyone can upgrade the quality of people they have in their lives. But you can’t do it with the abundance of Band-Aid tactics, hacks, lines and skills passed around society like a never-ending bong.
It comes down to intentionally growing yourself through getting outside of your comfort zone, surrounding yourself with new people who are better than you, working on the things I have discussed here, but most of all KNOWING that if you don’t solve this problem the rest of your life is going to be absolutely FUCKED.
Life is too short to spend it with people you aren’t enthusiastic to be with. And just like how Facebook likes don’t cure children’s cancer, ignoring this problem won’t make it get any better.
If you want a personalised roadmap for your way out of this problem, get in contact with me here.
If you don’t share this, a hipster will piss into your next beer and will put a beard pube in your coffee. You’ve been warned.