Approaching a Woman is the common place where just about 99% of guys struggle in the world of dating. I used to really struggle with it, and even though I have a Girlfriend and am not even looking for a Girl, I still get nervous about it. It can be scary business, but if you want to meet more Women and be successful with them, you need to learn how to approach them like a boss.

LOGICALLY speaking, we know that it is just walking up to another human being and saying hi. But our illogical fears come out to derail your efforts and oftentimes you’re overwhelmed with emotions. These emotions either prevent you from approaching or cause you to be a complete nervous wreck that communicates something horrific.

There are many different types of openers and lines that you can say but I find most of them to be lame. Saying the old school PUA “Hey can I get your opinion on something” line has been used so much that I cringe when I overhear someone use it. They probably just picked up a copy of “The Game” and is trying canned lines for the first time in their life.

In saying that, though, at least they’re trying (Which is more than what most other guys do).

There are several different ways to go about opening up a conversation with a Woman. And there are several different environments that have different pros and cons when it comes to meeting Women. Personally, I hate nightclubs. I hate the people, I hate the music and it’s really hard to have a decent conversation with someone. Not only that, they’re usually wasted drunk. So if you’re seeking to connect with someone on a deeper level (other than physically), you will be disappointed.

In nightclubs, Girls have drunken douchebags approaching them constantly with incoherent babble and sleazy behaviour. Girls are used to it, and because of this, they put up a front. This is usually known as a “bitch shield” and it is used as a deterrent for low-confident Males and freaks/weirdos/douchebags. It’s a protection device where they basically just be a bitch to you until you leave them alone – Or you demonstrate that you are a Man of value.

But, if you LOVE nightclubs, and the type of girl you are seeking is going to be found in a nightclub, then go to a goddamn nightclub. This way of approaching works for any environment.

I have always been more of a fan of approaching Women in real life. This is also known as “Day Game.” The Girls are almost always caught off guard, they don’t have their bitch shields up, and when you approach in a way I am about to teach you, they are almost always happy that you did.

Sound good? Let’s get into it, shall we?

How To Approach A Woman:

  1. See her. Become curious about who she is as a person. Does she have a particular look about her? Is there something that she is wearing that stands out and is really cool?
  2. Walk over to her.
  3. Unapologetically stop her and say: “Hi, I noticed you and wanted to come and say hi. You’ve caught my eye because (insert what you noticed about her).”
  4. My name is ______*Shake hand*
  5. Make an assumption to keep the conversation going.
  6. Find out who she is as a person- If she’s a fit for you: You keep talking. Not a fit: You say “nice to meet you” and keep walking.

You don’t have to over-complicate things, and you just did something that 98% of Men are too scared to do.

Guys are pretty bad at noticing things on Women. We usually just see legs, lips, breasts and an ass. Only a guy who is truly in touch with the other sex will notice everything else about her. Women like to dress up and look good, so compliment her on what she is wearing. Say “You caught my eye because I really liked your outfit” or “You look really cute – I like your shoes!”

In all honesty, find whatever caught your eye just mention that. This is surface level stuff that isn’t all that important. More on the deeper stuff later.


In step 4, I said to make an assumption. Assumptions are the key to continuing on with a conversation. Don’t be like every other guy that asks interview type questions such as “So what do you do” and “So, do you come here much?” I guarantee that she has heard that a million times and it is about as fun as falling off a bike. Assumptions are king at opening up the floodgates of subjects to talk about, thus giving you an insight into who she is as a person and if she is worth getting to know.

how-to-approach-a-woman-brett-ellisIf I saw a girl who looked gorgeous and was dressed like this, I’d say something along the lines of:

“I just noticed you and wanted to come and say hi. You have a very New York look about you – You must be from there!”

She might go on to say, “Thanks, no actually I am from Toronto!”

Then I can go into talking about Canadians, or talk about the time I lived there.

The possibilities are endless compared to asking her a boring question about what she does for a living. Instead, you can make an ASSUMPTION about what she does for a living. This makes the conversation fun as you can get really wild with your assumptions.

Say something such as “You look like a lawyer – Do you kick people’s asses in court for a living?”

Or (if she’s wearing glasses) “You look like a librarian. Do you get tired of saying sssssshhhh all day?”

Just don’t just ask simple questions, and make sure you avoid questions that can be answered with a yes or a no. Save those for later on down the track when you’re getting to know each other over a coffee or a walk in a park.

What I find is that 9 times out of 10, if you give a girl a genuine compliment and say it in a genuine way that doesn’t reek of neediness and nervousness, she will be glad you stopped her. This is regardless of whether she has a boyfriend or not, and she will be happy that you were kind enough to brighten her day a bit.

Which brings me to my next point. Rejection.


A male’s greatest and deepest ingrained fear when they approach a woman is rejection. It comes from thousands of years ago when we were tribal animals. If you did something wrong, the worst that could happen is being ejected from the tribe. It’s dangerous, unknown and scary outside of the comfort zone of the tribe. So we definitely don’t want to be rejected.

What I say to every guy about rejection is this:

It has nothing to do with you. Yeah, sure, you could have done things a little bit different, but if she’s not a good fit for you, she just did you a favour and rejected herself for you. She just demonstrated that no matter what, it was never going to work and you now get to find a girl who is a better fit for you. Hey – It still hurts the ego a bit. It still stings the nostrils and chips away at you soul, no matter who you are. But trying to win everyone over is a battle you will never win.

Feel that pain of rejection but understand that she just wasn’t a good fit for you. She also could have been in a bad mood, she might be focused on something really important, and sometimes she might just be an idiot. None of that is your responsibility – she can take you as you are or leave you be. And if she leaves you, that a win, my friend.

Do you know why approaching a girl is so difficult? It has everything to do with the fear of rejection. I still feel that fear when I approach girls. I have a Girlfriend and have no need to win anyone else over, yet I STILL FEEL IT. I have friends who have been coaching Men on this for 10 years – AND THEY STILL FEEL IT. The only difference is they just act anyway.

The fear of rejection will never leave you. It is a natural human trait that we will hopefully evolve away from. But in the meantime, feel that fear. Breathe it in. Sit with it. Then act despite it.

The First Three.

The first three approaches are always the worst. They are always the most painful, the scariest and you always fumble. But after you get those out of the way, you learn a few things about yourself. You remember that you’re an alright person, that you can approach and talk to anyone, that it doesn’t matter if she “rejects” you – in fact, you welcome it.

If you are like I was and was super nervous, start slow. Progressive desensitisation is your friend here.

Walk up to a girl and say “Hey my phone is dead. Do you have the time?” or “Hey do you know where the closest coffee shop is?”

Thank her and move on. Give yourself a high-five.

Then as you progressively warm up you can get into your big boy pants and give a beautiful girl a beautiful compliment and see if she is cool enough to hang out with.

Intention Trumps All.

Earlier, I mentioned something about the deeper stuff. That deep stuff is your underlying intentions.

If you intend on talking to a Woman to win her over, lure her into your sex den, then try and erase your self-hatred by using her body as a tool of validation – Then nothing will work for you. You will be sub-communicating all these insecurities and your BEHAVIOUR will show how you feel on the inside. The outcome is an unattractive Man that girls are naturally repulsed by. Or you’ll attract the girl who is just like you – An insecure, manipulative cow.

Alternatively, if you go into an interaction to find out who she is as a person you immediately start out ahead of the pack.

Why? Because you’re a good man. You are a decent man who is confident in himself and doesn’t even believe in rejection. You simply do not care if she likes you or not – you want to know who she is and if she fits into your criteria.

This sort of Man has self-worth, self-esteem and a true sense of confidence. He is the best version of his self. He still has his flaws and his insecurities, but he knows that everyone has insecurities – So what? He also knows that there are 3.5 billion other Women on this planet, so girls like her aren’t that hard to come by.

What you get is a guy who isn’t dependent on an outcome to feel good about himself. He just feels good about himself and his actions get results which end up making him feel even better.

But you’ve got to start somewhere, and the starting point is by learning how to approach a Woman.

Related Posts