To say I haven’t grown as a person in the last 5 years would be like saying smoking crystal meth on a daily basis is a great habit. It just isn’t true.
In fact, it is so far from the truth that I would have to take a step back from the person saying it and take the long way around to get to where I was going just to avoid eye contact with them in the off chance that I catch whatever mental disorder they have.
So yeah. I have grown – A lot.
I used to be the guy who managed to attract and date all of the girls who just weren’t a good fit for me (AKA: Low-Quality Women). I was basically a shit magnet, and I didn’t even realize that I had a problem. I just believed certain things about females and accepted that that was how it was. Unknowingly, it was these beliefs that I thought were true, that were actually responsible for attracting incompatible (low-quality) Women and repelling extremely compatible (high-quality) Women.
It started to get painful. It got old. I got angry. I became an obnoxious little douchebag to girls.
But I always wondered why everyone else seemed to have this area of their life sorted. Why do I always seem to attract the crazies? What am I doing that is wrong?
I didn’t want to be the male version of the crazy cat lady (weird old dog guy?).
I wanted what a lot of other guys had – Someone amazing to share my life with. Someone to create the best kids with, in the best environment, to make the world just that little bit better.
I decided to test my assumptions. I made the decision to open my mind up and see the world for how it truly is, not for how I WAS.
At that point in my life, I associated dating and relationships to pain and it wasn’t doing me any favors. So I decided to dig into some learning and figure out exactly what it was that I was doing that was getting my shitty results.
I got off my ass, I learned a lot about dating, then I applied that knowledge and suddenly started dating amazing Women who were a great fit for me (AKA: High-Quality Women).
I started having A LOT more fun dating. I met some great girls, had some great relationships, but also developed the confidence to walk away from dead-end situations and relationships that were at their end. That is true emotional freedom.
On my journey, I learned that a lot of the things that I thought were once true, were far from true. Social conditioning is generally bullshit opinions and biases based on fears and not taking responsibility for ourselves. And they held me back from getting what I wanted.
So, without further delay, here are those lessons:
“There Aren’t Any Good Women / They’re All Crazy / All The Good Ones Are Taken.”
I used to think all the above. This caused me to take almost no action in pursuing ladies, and when I did actually try, it would cause me to treat girls poorly. Because of this, the only girls I dated were the ones who were insecure and had “something to prove”, so they would put up with my bad behavior. These girls were LOW QUALITY – we just weren’t a good fit. They would cause drama or start “fires” for me to put out. This caused me to be pulled into a shit storm of drama, I lost friends and my close family members became not-so-close.
I dug deeper into this in the article Why Every Girl You Date Is a Psycho, but this quote sums it up pretty well:
“If you think every girl is a psycho, then you’re the problem not them.”
“I Have To Perform And Become Someone Else To Get Girls.”
I started my own journey of “pick up” to get girls and prove to myself that I was actually pretty cool. But I would have to act, say canned lines and basically lie my ass off to try and “win the vagina”. And it worked – I did get laid. But they were (once again) LOW QUALITY and were a bad fit for me. Eventually, I learned that if you want to attract a high-quality girl who is a great fit for you, who gets you for who you truly are, and YOU ACTUALLY LIKE, you need to be you and be completely unapologetic about it. Yes, you will tread on toes and piss all the right people off (the ones you won’t like anyway), but you’ll also pull in all the people who are a great fit for you. It is a win-win.
“High-Quality Girls Are Sexy AF with Blonde Hair and Big Titties.”
False. I was chasing the unicorns and the 10/10’s. And hell yeah, I hooked up with quite a few of them – Then I found out that regardless of how sexy they are, that doesn’t mean that they’re high-quality. If you go for the girl based purely on her looks, you get bored of her shit REAL quick. I am not saying that looks aren’t important – they are. But don’t put some girl up on a pedestal just because she is smoking hot – She farts just as much as you do.
Men are visual creatures – Looks are important. But it isn’t the only metric that you need to measure to declare someone as being suitable for you to date.
“I Can Just Fake Confidence To Get Girls.”
This works up to a certain point, and that point is not very far. I used to pretend that I was so cool, I used to big-note myself and move conversations into how I own a business and it was doing SOOOO WELLL. And I have done this, and that and blah blah blah.
And once again it worked, but the girls that it worked with were more superficial and cared more about how they are perceived, rather than who they actually are. So in the end, I lost. I had more bad dates, wanted to head-butt the wall more often than not and found myself just not texting people back as I slowly and silently drifted out of their life. You can’t fake it until you make it.
“When You Find Someone Cool, You Have To Hold On Tight And Do Everything In Order To Keep Them.”
This is a common misconception, and this breeds neediness. Neediness is the most unattractive trait as it shows excessive desperation and a lack of self-worth.
What I now know, is that if a woman wants to walk out of your life, be gentlemen and hold the door open for her as she walks out. Let her go, nay – HELP HER LEAVE. Pack her shit up, make sure the suitcases are packed properly for the journey away from you, and send her on the way.
I do not have time for people who aren’t interested in me. When my ex and I stopped meeting each other’s needs, and there wasn’t a solution, we both got up and walked. We valued ourselves too much to try and hold onto something that just isn’t fulfilling our needs anymore. Of course, you try and fix it and solve the problems, but if you can’t fix it you walk and you never look back.
Too many Men try and hold onto what once WAS. And that was all back there, you’re supposed to be living in the NOW. Yeah it hurts and it sucks, but not nearly as much as it hurts and sucks being in relationships that drain you instead of empowering you. You’re scared of potentially missing out on something (FOMO) and you’re also scared of the unknown.
These are very common fears for us human beings, and guess what – You will be FINE.
In fact, you’ll be BETTER OFF.
Let them walk, wave goodbye and go and find a better fit.
“I Have To Go To Nightclubs To Find Women.”
I used to think I had to go out every night to meet Women. I thought I had to go to nightclubs and get wasted drunk to find girls. I ended up destroying my body, dating “pub-sluts” and waking up with a horrific hangover with someone who I wouldn’t ever tell anyone I slept with next to me. Luckily, I never caught any pesky STD’s or created any pesky children.
I hate nightclubs. It’s all about shitty music that is way too loud to be able to talk to anyone, with douchebags galore bumping into you with a “you got a problem, bra?” attitude. Everyone is wasted, you blow too much money and you end up with a kebab dripping garlic sauce down your arm onto your shoes while you’re texting someone that the sober you will hate you for. Yes, they are called “meat-markets” for a reason, but I’d rather eat a free-range chicken than a couple of malnourished caged chooks covered in their own shit.
This is what you do:
You do what you love.
Do you love fitness? Go and join in on a fitness class. Hell, go and join in on a fitness class for single people.
Don’t know of any? Go to www.MeetUp.com and CREATE a group. Call it “Fitness for Singles Group of (insert your town)”. As the event coordinator, you not only have an excuse to meet, greet and chat with everyone, but you
are demonstrating that you are a man that can get shit done and are therefore of a “higher status”. Women like that.
Whatever your interest is, you can create a group for it. Then you get to do what you love, you attract people who are like-minded, they like what you like and you have an excuse to talk to them and find out if you think they’re worthy of your time.
“Online Dating Rocks.”
False. Online dating sucks. Imagine a world where a million Men who are too lazy / shy / socially awkward / fearful are throwing their dicks at like 20 girls, who are also too lazy / shy / socially awkward / fearful and annoyed by having penises being thrown at them. THAT is online dating. It is a flooded marketplace, and it is really hard to stand out from the sea of sameness. Everyone writes the same ol’ shit on their profile.
Look, it has its place as something to have a laugh with and to burn some time on (and maybe you’ll find someone who isn’t an idiot) but your chances are seriously low. Even if you do wrangle a good one, she has so many guys she’s chatting to that you’ll most likely find she will flake on you and quietly fade away into the abyss.
I used to get into online dating with the best openers, the best profile, and the best pictures. It still sucked for me, and I found more enjoyment in smashing my head into a wall.
“You Have To Spend A Lot Of Money On Dates.”
I got suckered into this one and blew a heap of money on girls who weren’t worth half of it. One time I wined and dined a girl who felt it necessary to run to the toilet every 10 minutes during the meal to vomit up her overpriced steak (she was bulimic). Not only that, it was an uncomfortable interview situation where you can feel the judgment on every single thing you say or do because apparently, the way you smiled that one time indicates your suitability as a mate.
What I ended up doing were more fun things.
Does she also have a dog? Let’s take them for a walk at the park.
Like coffee, me too!
Feeling lazy? Meet her at a park down the road from your house and have a chat there. You can always get up and leave, and it isn’t too far to walk to go back home.
Like sushi? Sweet – I’d take her to a “Sushi-Train” where you grab your own plates of Japanese deliciousness off a conveyer belt. She isn’t going to overdo the eating so you can easily pay for her plates of food and it won’t cost you an arm and a leg.
Once you get to know her, THEN you can go for the big dates. But don’t think you need to pour hundreds of dollars into her stomach to win her over.
Just remember: You’re the catch. You’re the prize. However, this doesn’t mean that she is anything LESS than you, it just means that she’s awesome in her own way – just not a fit for YOU. Don’t be a dick about it.
“You Need To Be Rich, Famous And Have A Big Dick To Attract Women”
I fell for this one hard. I bought a house, had a business, had a sweet car and all that shit that we are conditioned to believe will act as a beacon for the Women to start crawling over your dick and fight for it to the death.
Most guys see the world through external references: they look at the men who have had the most success with women and often find that these men are rich and good-looking. They, therefore, think, “I need money or good looks to be successful with women.”
However, guys need to sort their world through their internal references. It’s the ones who don’t look to others for approval of any sort that has their INNER GAME down. They can easily have success with women, and accomplish anything else they want in life.
In fact, many find out that the reason the guys with money and looks are successful is because it gives some of them the CONFIDENCE needed to approach women.
They use those external objects to give them the confidence they need. But if you take those objects away, they lose their confidence.
What if I told you that you don’t need anything outside of yourself to be confident about who you are?
It is true, you don’t. And for too long I struggled while I tried to accumulate resources to show off and lure in some ladies, to only find it wasn’t the objects that the ladies desired, it’s the underlying behaviors that I exhibited that attracted or turned Women away.
You can have nothing and still be confident about it. Women will like you because it shows that you don’t need shit to feel good about yourself.
You can have a micropenis and own it. Sure, you can’t do much damage with it, but I bet you’ve got a tongue that can play the guitar.
All you need is to be going SOMEWHERE. To not be stagnant in life, and be moving towards something bigger than yourself. Have a purpose, or have a big plan that you are actually working towards on a daily basis.
You need that for you – it is a core need of all males of the Human species. Without it, you feel unfulfilled and ineffective as a Man.
But not only that, she will find the behaviors you will exhibit as extremely sexy.
To wrap this up, I want to reiterate a few key points:
- There is a massive abundance of great women out there who are perfect for you.
- You just need to be you, and you need to show up and be seen as that person.
- Your definition of High-Quality is YOURS only. Define who she is and go and find her.
- She will have similar interests to you. Do what you love and she will come to the party.
- It’s not about the cars, money and good looks – it’s the behaviors those people exhibit, and you can exhibit those behaviors with a decision regardless of what you think you lack.